It's OK if they don't like it: Boundaries, Needs, and the freedom to let others feel their feelings
- Jennifer Zare
- Oct 2
- 2 min read
Jennifer Zare, LISW-CP
Pathways Counseling Center
Setting Boundaries - A Crucial Life Skill
As a therapist, I’ve come to see boundaries as a skill we must intentionally develop. Learning to set them stretches us emotionally, challenges long-held patterns, and asks us to sit with others’ discomfort without folding—not an easy feat.
When we’re not taught how to express our needs clearly, those needs often come out sideways: in frustration, shutdowns, explosions, or passive-aggression. That’s not a flaw—it’s a signal.
In my work with women, I often see how early experiences—family dynamics, faith traditions, cultural expectations, and personality—shape our ability to set boundaries. Many of us grew up hearing subtle (or not so subtle) messages like “be agreeable,” “don’t make waves,” or “goodness means self-sacrifice.” While those values can foster generosity and care, they can also lead to disconnection from our own needs.
But here’s the truth: you can honor where you came from and still choose something different. You can love your family and traditions while also growing beyond the limits they knew.
And here’s the payoff: every time you set a healthy boundary, you strengthen your sense of self-worth. Each “no” that protects your well-being is also a “yes” to your dignity, your energy, and your values. Over time, these choices build genuine confidence—not the fragile kind that depends on others’ approval, but the kind that comes from knowing you can trust yourself.
On the flip side, when we give from a place of depletion—constantly overextending, saying “yes” when our soul says “no”—our self-esteem takes a hit. Why? Because deep down we know we’re abandoning ourselves. The more we ignore our own needs to keep others comfortable, the smaller and less worthy we feel.
Healthy service and sacrifice come from wholeness, not depletion. True love requires us to value ourselves alongside others. As Jesus taught, “love your neighbor as yourself”—not instead of yourself.
This is where Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory feels so freeing. You don’t need people to like your boundaries. Let them be disappointed, surprised, or even frustrated. It’s not our job to manage other people’s feelings—it’s our job to stay aligned with our values.
And this doesn’t mean shutting others out. Healthy boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors. They allow in what nourishes and protect from what harms. They let us stay connected without self-erasure.
If you’ve struggled to set boundaries, speak your needs, or stop managing others’ emotions, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. You likely learned it was safer to stay quiet than to be authentic. The good news? You can relearn. You can heal. You can start today.
Let them feel what they feel. And let yourself matter, too.
If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) is a gentle, evidence-based approach that helps you heal old wounds, break free from patterns, and step into healthier, more confident relationships. If you’re ready for change, schedule a consultation today.
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